Dreams… An unfinished story… of Waiting… in Prayer… in Hope… in Faith… in Love…

Dreams

The worst time to worry

Because in dreams

Fear becomes reality.

Last night.

I dreamed of the Last 3 months that the doctors prescribed

Then she went away…

I wish I couldn’t dream it.

I went through everything.

Every emotion.

The trying to accept it

The grief.

The wailing,

The crying,

The anger

The trying to accept it

Over and over

I went through

The consolations from friends

The memories

The melancholy

It stopped at the viewing.

I walked into the room

But before I could see her

I woke up.

Not crying

Not even wanting to cry.

Just wanting to hug her

Into eternity

Never stopping.

Never crying

Never dying

Warm embrace.

Forever.

———————

About a month ago, my mother was diagnosed with a rare form of stomach cancer in its late stage four. I’m going to share with you an unfinished story…

A Story of waiting

Waiting for an answer to prayer

Praying for healing

Hoping the healing will be on this side of eternity

Faith in the midst of uncertainty

Certain of the dreadful possibility

Knowing He

Has a plan.

Knowing this is for His glory.

But.

Why?

Why me?

Why us?

Why mamma?

Why now?

“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you are faced with trials and temptations, for the testing of your faith develops perseverance.”

James 1:2-3

I don’t know how to be or act

I don’t know how I should react

I must look depressed.

I am.

I think I shouldn’t be

I know I shouldn’t be

Should I?

I trust in Him

But His will is His will.

And I don’t know what that is

I don’t know how to be or act

I don’t know how to respond

“I’m okay”

“I’m better”

“she’s okay”

“she’s better than yesterday.”

“please pray”

More people know now.

More prayers now.

More hugs.

More condolences.

More support.

More help.

I don’t know how to respond

I don’t know what to do or say

I can’t figure out a way

To be.

To do.

To love.

To laugh.

To work.

To play.

Without thinking of Her

Without feeling guilty for being momentarily happy.

I can’t ignore it

Am I Pretending to be ok?

Am I ok?

Am I better?

Am I ignoring this vacancy inside?

This looming unknown.

Am I hopeful?

Am I trying to be positive?

Am I attempting to believe and have faith?

I know I trust Him

but

In spite of this

I still doubt.

I know He can do it.

But I don’t know if He will

Am I pretending? To be ok?

My Dear Mother,

At School today

I cried in the bathroom stall.

I was mad.

I was tired

Maybe that’s why

But.

I cried.

For you.

If I may,

May I forget?

May I stop?

May I give up?

But

You’re not giving up.

Daddy’s not giving up.

Put on a bold face.

Put on a bold face.

For my friends.

For my parents

For my sisters

For…

Me?

My Dear Sister,

I feel so selfish.

I am so selfish.

I’ve been so selfish.

I’m sorry.

You’ve done so much.

Stop being a martyr.

You’ve given so much.

I

Haven’t.

Haven’t had the chance to.

Haven’t had the time to.

Haven’t had the will power to…

To be a mom.

please.

Understand.

I can’t stop

I wanted to

but

I have to stay on the team.

It’s for mamma.

It’s conflicting.

But.

She would hate herself if I quit.

Just for her.

I

Cant.

I know.

To you, it seems like I’m gone forever

Returning home exhausted.

No doing anything

While you’ve been slaving and mothering.

I’m so sorry.

My turn to be mom will come.

Then you can relax.

I Just…

I need to finish the season.

Please?

Understand.

I love you.

I’m so very grateful for you.

Hold on.

Hang on.

We’ll make it.

We’ll make it.

A speech written, made by Hannah Espiritu ©2010 Espiritu Productions

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~ by hannahespiritu on February 1, 2010.

One Response to “Dreams… An unfinished story… of Waiting… in Prayer… in Hope… in Faith… in Love…”

  1. oh, Hannah! You’re heart is poured into this story. Thank you for sharing the deepest and most intimate parts of what you are going through right now. You bless me with your welcoming hugs every time I come over to your house. Thank you. God is doing a mighty work you in my beautiful sister in Christ. Love, Carmen

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